Bike Computers
I have another section on electronic shifting, but I would like to group the rest of the little microchipped/smart peripherals into their own little rant.
Let’s start with the one you see the most. The bike computer. Annoying that people even refer to them that way, but it is technically correct. These little GPS devices typically attach to your handlebar or stem, and their main function is navigation. When I first started biking a lot, my main question was “Do they have shitty phones? Why are they buying a separate device for navigation?”
After learning more about bike computers, that is still my main question.
These little devices usually cost around $400. Damn son. That’s an entire refurbished phone. And if you are dropping that kind of money on a little GPS screen, I am sure your phone isn’t cheap either.
I’ve seen some interesting arguments online about why people use these things, and it kind of makes me feel like everyone is still living in 2005 but only about this one thing. Very strange.
- Battery life
The bike computers have a longer battery life than phones. Ok, sure. But modern phones can navigate literally all day before they die. If your phone battery sucks, you can just spend $20 and get an external battery. Again, with modern phones, I don’t understand this argument. I’ve done entire imperial centuries without my phone dying, and I’m a slow cyclist. Maybe save that $400 to get a phone made in the last 10 years.
- Screen brightness
Again, its 2026. Phones are plenty bright. If you have some sort of e-ink display on your GPS screen then I could maybe get it, but I’ve literally never seen one of those. And again, $400 fucking dollars.
- If you crash you don’t want to break your phone
I’m sorry are you crashing a lot?? Also, get a solid phone case?? I’m so confused by this argument. I have not crashed my bike since I was a child. I am worried about you people if this is a common occurrence. Like, I’ve fallen over a couple times as an adult, but not at speed. Nothing that would put my phone in danger. Also, if I was crashing a lot, I would not want my $400 device to break either.
- Bike computers are more weather resistant
The PNW has an unusually mild climate, so I kind of get this one if you live in other places. I will say, it is a bit strange to me that you are expecting to go on some sort of long ride that needs GPS navigation during 90 degree or higher heat, but if you are just crazy like that then I guess this is a good argument. If you are worried about rain, it is not 2005. Most modern phones are straight up rated to work underwater to a few feet. No amount of rain is gonna hurt your phone bud.
- Integration with other smart peripherals
Oh boy. Oh fuck. Now you’ve done it. The can of worms has been unsealed. You fool.
That’s really where this all started. Before GPS, little bike computers could measure your speed and your cadence with tiny magnets you had to wire up to your handlebars. Rough. But it didn’t really effect the bike components themselves. Now we have cranks with fucking integrated torque meters and bluetooth connection to your GPS. Your rear light is also a fucking radar system that gives you a little notification if there is a car behind you. Soon the saddle will have bacterial sensors to tell you if you need to shove more cream down your spandex yet, and a heads up display on your visors to dangle a fucking virtual carrot in front of your face like the dumbass rodent you are. Keep spinning your little wheels, rodent boy.
This is all bullshit. Want to know if there is a car behind you? Get a fucking mirror. Want to know your speed? You torque? How badly your taint smells (and a real time comparison other people’s taints on strava)? Try this instead: touching some fucking grass. You are not a fucking pro athlete. You will never be a fucking pro athlete. Stop watching all these french twinks bike 1000 miles on $100,000 bikes. It’s and ad. All of these cycling events are fucking ads. They are trying to get you to buy and buy and upgrade and upgrade. They want you to forget that perfectly usable bikes are all over the place and can be found secondhand for pennies on the dollar. They want you to forget that biking can be a nice, calm, therapeutic experience. They want you to stop enjoying yourself, and learn to enjoy constantly comparing yourself to others. Your best time. Your fastest segment. Your PR. Its all bullshit. All of it. Your most memorable and most important rides will always be the rides you went on with your friends. When you and your buddies bounds around to a bunch of pubs on you bikes during a summer evening that never seemed to end. When rode with your son on the bike path with his first big kid bike. When you and your partner climbed to the top of a local logging trail, took your lunch out of your panniers, and soaked in the views and each others company while you had lunch drenched in sweat.
Biking is not a competition. Anyone who tells you it is is trying to sell you something. Stop counting watts. Stop competing. You are not making your biking experience more enjoyable by making your bike “smarter”. You are stuffing something that should be simple and user serviceable full of e-waste crap that is going to sell your data and try to get you to buy your way into enjoying something that was already enjoyable on it’s own.